Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Bitter and Sweet

There have been tears around here lately. Not from the two year old, from me. I got a job. A full time job. And it's just so damn bittersweet. Sweet because...well, it's a job. We need jobs! Those things you get so you can buy stuff! Yes! Someone picked me out of a whole mess of candidates and offered me a job! Yay! But it's so bitter because this means my stay-at-home mom career is now effectively over. And yes, I realize I am so lucky that I got to do it this long. And yes, I realize that she now gets to be home with Joe for the time being, which is great. And yes, I know that it's a slap in the face to all the moms who don't get to stay home this long with their kids to complain about this...and yet I can't help it. I am just really sad. Sad that I don't get to know her entire day, everything she eats and says and sees and poops and wants and needs and cuddles and hugs. I am going to miss the biggest chunk of her days Monday through Friday, and it stabs me in the heart a little bit every time I think of it.

If I were a better person, a bigger person, I could be so happy that Joe gets to have a turn to be with her now. I could realize that grown-up job time might be a good thing for me, for all of us. I could see the bright side of, Hey, maybe this won't suck after all. But I don't think I am that person quite yet. It might be interesting for a day or two...until I realize this is our new reality and I have to be there every single day. Away from her every single day. I just don't think I am built for this.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Craigslist is My Frenemy

It's been a strange summer here at Finlaw HQ. (I have to leave off the "Baby" part of "Baby Finlaw HQ" as there is really not much left about Sody that is babyish anymore...) Earlier in the summer Joe got laid off, and I of course have mostly been home with the Kid. My weekly babysitting job is ending next week, so basically things around here are...shaky. A little scary. And filled with a lot of craigslist job searching on both our parts. I feel like we are on the brink of major change around here, which is exciting and unnerving all at once. Either I get a job and Joe stays home with Sody, or Joe gets a job and I continue to stay home but maybe find part time work, or we both (hopefully, because we do need the money) get full time jobs and Sody goes to daycare or preschool, assuming we can get her in somewhere when we need to. Any of these options are going to bring new schedules and new people and new experiences to all our lives. I like that, and I look forward to that, but sometimes it's hard to see your way out of the transition times when you are right in the middle of them. I am in a tizzy now. A bit of a confusing "oh, woe is me, what is going to become of us?" tizzy.

In a perfect world, and kind of what I was mentally prepared for, was going back to work part-time to ease our way into Sody going to school. Make the transition to school easier for all of us, not to mention easier on the pocketbook. I don't think I actually took into account trying to find a job that was in perfect accordance with part time preschool schedules (impossible!)...but in my head that is how it went down. But now there is no real choice in the matter, there is no time to mess with part time anything, we gotta get down to work. And truth be told, Sody going off to school/daycare is really only going to be hard on me. Based on the few places we have visited and the way she left me in the dust the second we walked in the door, she is going to be just fine. I've said it here before, but...she is itching to go to school, to play with more kids, to learn learn learn. I know she will love it. The girl is a social butterfly of the highest order. I think I just can't believe I have a kid old enough to be going to school.

But all is not sad and mopey around here. We are still having (cheap) fun, creating adventures for ourselves and trying to make the most of our time together. And we of course continue to bake. Sody had her first strawberry shortcake ever this month:

...and also got to try her first taste of Mom's homemade marshmallows this weekend.

Both were huge hits. Our little sugar fiend.

Friday, August 5, 2011

I'm Siiiiiinging in the Rain. Or Not.

I tend to sing a lot. Not crazy loud or professionally or anything, of course, just around the house and as I go through my day. And definitely in the car. Always, always in the car. I have always done this and probably always will, much to my husband's chagrin. (To be fair, he just doesn't like it when i "'Glee' it up.") It's to the point where it's sort of subconscious sometimes...just singing along but not realizing I am until someone points it out. I distinctly remember a moment with the first family I ever babysat for in my early teens. Making dinner for the two boys, singing as I shuffled around the kitchen, whistling while I worked, blah blah blah ...and the older boy - maybe 6 at the time - was good naturedly asking me to stop singing. "Oh, ok, sorry, no problem." And literally thirty seconds later starting up again without realizing what I was doing. He asked again, I stopped again, and this repeated maybe three times. The boys were cracking up because they thought I was playing a joke, but sadly, no - I am just that dense. It's a character flaw.

So, cut to today, the singing continues. And yesterday in the car Sody and I were rocking out to her Sesame Street cd (ok, using the term "rocking out" extremely loosely here). After the three millionth listen of this particular record, I know the words pretty well. Actually, she does too, which surprises me sometimes. But sure enough, a couple lines in, what do I hear from the backseat?
"Please stop singing, Mommy."

Drat. Another kid who is just hoping I will shut up. Hate to tell you, Darling Daughter, but this is only the beginning...