Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Bitter and Sweet

There have been tears around here lately. Not from the two year old, from me. I got a job. A full time job. And it's just so damn bittersweet. Sweet because...well, it's a job. We need jobs! Those things you get so you can buy stuff! Yes! Someone picked me out of a whole mess of candidates and offered me a job! Yay! But it's so bitter because this means my stay-at-home mom career is now effectively over. And yes, I realize I am so lucky that I got to do it this long. And yes, I realize that she now gets to be home with Joe for the time being, which is great. And yes, I know that it's a slap in the face to all the moms who don't get to stay home this long with their kids to complain about this...and yet I can't help it. I am just really sad. Sad that I don't get to know her entire day, everything she eats and says and sees and poops and wants and needs and cuddles and hugs. I am going to miss the biggest chunk of her days Monday through Friday, and it stabs me in the heart a little bit every time I think of it.

If I were a better person, a bigger person, I could be so happy that Joe gets to have a turn to be with her now. I could realize that grown-up job time might be a good thing for me, for all of us. I could see the bright side of, Hey, maybe this won't suck after all. But I don't think I am that person quite yet. It might be interesting for a day or two...until I realize this is our new reality and I have to be there every single day. Away from her every single day. I just don't think I am built for this.

1 comment:

  1. Oh wow- this reminds me so much of when I went back to work after maternity leave and Chris was laid off. I was jealous of his time with Desmond where he got to be a parent full time and experience the highs and lows of days where the focus really is on being together. Alas- that stupid money stuff gets in the way of all of us staying home and doing that which is no fair. There are great things about seeing Desmond so comfortable at preschool and seeing his artwork at the end of the day and just his growing sense of individuality and identity that I think does come out with other kids around but I do wish I could just stop time in the mornings before he goes. Good things come from work though and I wish you lots of all of those good things. New friends, experiences, all that stuff. Yay for you and congrats on the job. And good luck with everything!